Airdate: December 1st, 2016
Written By: Lamar Abrams and Katie Mitroff.
Plot: As the snow falls down on Beach City, Greg hangs with Steven and the Crystal Gems. As they wait for some water to boil for tea, Greg is reminded of an old story – Steven’s very first major snowstorm.
It was fourteen years prior, and Steven had just been born. Greg is staying at Vidalia’s place while she’s on vacation, and is emotionally taxed due to everything going on. Up to and including losing his dearest. The Crystal Gems, themselves less than pleased due to recent events, stop by to give Steven some rather less than age-appropriate gifts. This improptu get-together ends with them taking Steven to try and get Rose back.
Review:
It’s CHRISTMAS!
Actually, no, it’s August, and…
…you know what? This is 2020. The rulebook is a drink coaster now. This year has been so astonishingly bizarre that even the facade of fast-forwarding to the end has some merit. Screw it, let’s put up the stockings and celebrate Summer Christmas this year! Not the first time I’ve done so, anyway.
Ah, yes, the Christmas Special (or “Holiday Special” if you prefer). Some of the most cherished television events in American pop culture. Even some of those that have aged still maintain some charm. (I actually kinda like Rudolph, as undeniably 60s as it was in many aspects of its writing.) And the stone-cold classics? My god, “A Charlie Brown Christmas” – the granddaddy of them all – launched the Peanuts franchise into the stratosphere on the sheer effectiveness and brilliance of that episode alone.
It’s rare to find a show that hasn’t had one of these in one way or another, accordingly. The Simpsons literally had its first episode as a Christmas special, albeit more out of necessity (they sent the first episode produced back to clean it up) than anything else. The West Wing tore into the hearts of its fans (I dare you not to cry during “Noel” and “In Excelsis Deo”), and the same applies to Doctor Who. Even Phineas and Ferb – a show literally set during summer – got in a couple of festive outings, thankfully far more cheerful. (“Some people call it wummer.”)
And thus we come to Steven Universe. They sort of dabbled in the winter spirit with “Winter Forecast”, but that did more to put in the atmosphere of winter rather than serve as a Christmas episode. There was also “Maximum Capacity”, but that had New Year’s Eve as a particular flashpoint more than anything. This, I would argue, is the first proper Steven Universe Christmas Special.
To add to the allure, it’s told in a flashback style!
Enter “Three Gems and a Baby”
This isn’t the last Steven Universe flashback episode, but it is the last of the Greg/Rose Flashback Tetralogy. We’ve had “Story for Steven” set up the relationship between the duo, how their paths crossed and how they drove each other onto different directions into life to be together, such as the stars aligned. “We Need to Talk”, one of my favorite episodes of the series, then decided to deconstruct and rebuild the partnership in short order, particularly on Rose’s end by bringing into question her attitudes towards humanity in the face of dating the one man who would stick by her side. And “Greg the Babysitter” fleshed out Rose’s personal philosophy and how it melds well with Greg’s own personality.
And now she’s dead. Just in time for the Steven Universe Holiday Special. Eat your heart out, British soaps, this show has the season tainted pre-emptively.
Also, yes, I said “Holiday Special”. As I mentioned in the last review, the holidays that we celebrate don’t really exist in the SU Universe. A part of me would’ve wanted the show’s writers to make up a generic holiday for worldbuilding purposes. However, it probably doesn’t exist because a) Gem Culture is too stern for festive holidays, and 2) the most famous example of a sci-fi franchise making up a holiday includes a Wookie celebrating Life Day by watching a highly suggestive VR recording of Diahann Carroll, so sci-fi writers have to live down that on top of everything.
In short, Happy Winter, Greg is a single parent. And he’s reminiscing about this in front of the rest of the Crystal Gems, certainly a bit of a sea change. Snow is coming down, the fire is raging, and Greg is given a guitar. A story? That was written in the stars.
Surprise, we get one, and it once again starts with a song!
I could never be, I could never be
I could never be ready for this
I could never be, I could never be
I could never be ready
Things start and things end
And isn’t it lovely in theory
But I could never be, I could never be
I could never be ready…
I’ll admit that this is probably one of the “weaker” songs in the SU canon. Not that it’s bad – it’s still pretty damn good – but it’s relative brevity and somewhat simple lyrical structure feel like a bit of a step down in quality. And just a few episodes out from the glorious synth-soul that was “Here Comes A Thought”? The difference is even more poignant. It’s not bad, I’m just not the biggest fan.
However, I still can play “devil’s advocate” here. This song, it’s implied, was written around the time most of this episode is set. This dude lost the love of his life, is raising their son, living in a van, lucky to have Vidalia’s place to crash in during a bitter winter storm, and even Vidalia has recently found the love of her life. Besides that… it’s winter. Personally, I feel like the winter months absolutely fry my energy – the lack of sunlight, the cold weather, they combine to sap my stamina. (Some actually have a condition called Seasonal Affective Disorder, depression that spikes during a certain period of the year, more often than not the winter months.) This is a song written by a man that is spiritually spent. The arguable lowest point in his life. And it’s easy to romanticize those who create media in the depths of despair (to be fair, “Love Will Tear Us Apart” is one of my favorite songs, and it is absolutely haunting considering what happened to Ian Curtis), but such a position can obscure the struggles of those holding the pen.
Hence why the song feels so simple. Greg has taken it on the chin. The cycle of life has bitten him in an agonizing way.
Oh, and it’s also messed around with the Crystal Gems, three wise aliens who come bearing gifts. Given Gem lifespans, they might as well have held Steven’s celebration at a funeral home. A cheerful celebration, this is not. Pearl, in particular, sounds like she wants to get out of there, take Steven with her, and never lay a single eye on Greg ever again. At best. Not once in their initial meeting do they make eye contact – an agonizing reminder of the divide. Deedee Magno-Hall’s performance here adds a twist of the knife… if “Rose’s Scabbard” had her perfect despair and self-loathing, this is her fusing the former with disgust and nailing it in a very quiet way. But, hey, she at least got the kid a dictionary, apparently to help him communicate, but it does serve as a fine reflection on her intellectual personality and, in spite of somewhat missing the point, the attempts at a practical nature of what would be her own guardianship. Even in grief-fueled disgust, she’s a remarkably fascinating character.
Amethyst, in contrast, is rather chipper with regards to this first meeting. Balancing that out, she is still getting used to the fact that this new human is not “little Rose” and doesn’t have the same mastery of his power suite as Rose did. Hence why she got him a box of adult diapers. Not a whole lot of symbolism there outside of the obvious disconnect. (She does, however, adjust quickly to the new name.) Garnet is… well, probably the best of the group, but even she hasn’t quite gotten the nature of human maturity yet – kid got a shaving razor, so at least she was thinking ahead of the curve. (Razors aren’t exactly cheap.)
It turns out, ultimately, that the thing that Steven desires most? Greg’s keys. Babies don’t often have a sense of object permanence, so keys? Easy entertainment. Guess what – his gem glows, apparently his first instance thereof. Remember back in the before time, in “Gem Glow”, we were trying to figure out what the hell the titular event even meant and why it was able to spit out a TV-destroying shield that one time? Imagine that in the show’s canon. Ergo… this.
So, the second third of this episode is basically half mystery, half dramatic irony. The Crystal Gems are convinced that Rose Quartz is trapped in a baby. It does make me wonder… how isolated were the Crystal Gems from humanity? From society? Do they not know how general mammalian biology works, or don’t give a damn? And if they were this isolated, how the hell did they manage to make first contact with humanity and therefore live in peace with them? This could create a bit of a loophole in the show’s world-building. I’m generally forgiving with this show because the characters are so damn fascinating, but I couldn’t let this particular nitpick go past me this time around.
Of course, one could counter-argue that the Crystal Gems are so grief-stricken by Rose’s death that they have let their knowledge of humanity lapse in a fit of desperation. Even the most rational argument – Steven being a “fusion” – is still based in this idea that there is a chance for Rose to come back, and it’s an argument based in her historical perspective. I mean, Rose was the one that supported cross-Gem fusion for Garnet, so maybe Garnet is thinking that Rose took said acceptance to the most logical extreme, to try and experience life from moment one.
There is one solution to this… the Crystal Gems kidnap Steven! Nothing says “Driving Home For Christmas” like three aliens committing a major felony. Oh, they steal Greg’s van, as well. What’s that, grand theft auto, plus possible robbery of all of Greg’s stuff? Hope you like Nutraloaf, guys, because you’re gonna be enjoying it for a while. Anyway, their reason for the kidnapping is because they think Greg is out of his depth. This time around, they’re wrong.
The trio simply do not get it. Their grief has mixed with their biases to create three divergent takes on the scenario, all wrong… yet strangely, all fitting the archetypes that they hold in the present day. Amethyst thinks Steven can shift back into Rose, and all she does is manage to amuse the kid. You know, like a big sister would. Hence Steven’s very close relationship with Amethyst at the start of the series.
Garnet, meanwhile, tells Steven – as if she’s talking to Rose – that it is alright to “take a little break” from “fusion” with Greg. Which, upon reflection, is a rather interesting and somewhat ironic take. I mean, this is coming from Garnet, a Gem who with a few brief exceptions has been “together” for thousands of years and who candidly rejects any suggestion that she unfuse (deservedly, mind you, given that said requests were not done in good faith). Alternately, though, it could represent a subconscious ideal, one where Ruby and Sapphire believe that gems can fuse and unfuse at their own discretion even if they don’t believe that doing so would be beneficial for them. Season 5 is going to explore this, but the point is that it fits the role that Garnet fills as a team mentor, to try and guide the Crystal Gems via leadership. Unfortunately, Steven is distressed because, guess what, babies don’t have object permanence. It’s as if a parent walked out on his life… except said parent merely went to grab milk from the fridge, or checked the Arsenal result on their plugged-in phone, or in this case, split into two lesbians.
Also, this is probably the moment that puts to bed the theory that Steven is a regenerated Rose. This kid doesn’t know either Ruby or Sapphire, cries when Garnet unfuses into her components… yeah, she ain’t around anymore. Steven might have Rose’s power suite, but otherwise, he is a blank slate. The fact that Season 5 felt it necessary to address this concept all but confirms that, hey, old theories die hard.
In short, Amethyst and Garnet still haven’t quite gotten the concept of Steven being, well, Steven. Denial is still perpetual between those two. Who else is in the van, who can finally get some sense into our group of clowns?
…oh, smeg, it’s Pearl. This can’t end well, especially given that she drives the van off the road. In a blizzard. With Greg still quite a way out from his van. Even if you know how this ends, what path is this going to take?
Well, does a good old theft of one’s gem outside of the kid’s abdomen sound like a fun path to any of you?
No, I’m not kidding. Pearl has gone to the largest extreme, that Rose’s gem is encased in this human baby, and that to allow it to regenerate, said gemstone must be removed from said human vessel in order for Rose to come back. Gem removed, Rose returns, the Crystal Gems can party and everything can be hunky-dory.
“I know you’re in there. I can let you out! We can be together again…”
These are the words of an emotional trainwreck who just wants one more chance. Forget death – she still hasn’t gotten over Rose falling in love with Greg. One sentence, two meanings – one profoundly selfish, the other seemingly selfless yet deeply tragic.
She reaches for the Gem… and Steven giggles.
And let’s just admit something right now – Pearl is pretty much Steven’s mother figure. Through the show, faults and all, she has moved heaven and Earth to simultaneously protect and intellectually train Steven. This is a Gem that, while initially reluctant to tell the kid about her tragic past, can regale him with war stories with a gusto unmatched in the series. No disrespect to Garnet, Greg, or Amethyst, they all did damn good jobs. But she has done more to raise Steven, arguably, than anybody else has. This hill, I will die on.
And that giggle is probably when it all started. Because she retrenches her hand. “I can’t! She wanted this so much; I just don’t understand why. ‘Everything should grow, and everything should change, and isn’t it so great how it comes so naturally to humans?’ Well, it’s not natural for us! It’s not natural… for me.”
When you think about it, this is probably the most dramatic change in Pearl’s life for many, many years. Season 5 will reveal, without spoiling anything too much, that Rose has been the largest constant in Pearl’s existence. Ruby and Sapphire knew of lives before Garnet, less than fulfilling lives, but lives nonetheless. Amethyst had that period in the Kindergarten before she became one of the Crystal Gems. Pearl? Rose was what she knew… and she’s gone. Because Rose felt like she couldn’t change enough, she gave somebody else the chance to excel where she couldn’t.
And it’s rather tragic that Pearl says that change doesn’t come naturally for her. While the pressure of external events did have an impact, Pearl has evolved and grown in terms of personality over the past few seasons. From an anti-human overprotective neurotic, Pearl has become a more rounded, loose, and accepting character, more open to exploring the Earth that she so vehemently protects. And the fact that she has sold herself short at this moment is rather jarring. What we see is not what the characters see… and because this show has such a good pulse on characterization, it comes off as very realistic.
Very human.
Like Steven is.
Rose is gone. The world that the Crystal Gems built around her is, when you think about it, no longer. It’s now Steven’s universe. I do not apologize for that awful pun. Because it is true – one age has ended, another one dawns. And just in time, as Greg catches up to the van and prepares to chew them out… or does he? I mean, I’d be pretty miffed if I had a baby and I came back to find that my partner’s three close friends decided to steal them. Especially if I found out that one of them almost did bodily harm in the attempt to improve their life in one way or another. Greg, though, is a much more forgiving figure, and decides to include the Crystal Gems in their unique family arrangement. Because, hey, parenthood is a rather messed up journey with no clear path. They’re winging it big time.
All’s well that ends well, I guess. One could argue that it’s rather neat and clean given the various crimes that the Crystal Gems partook in, but really, where’s the Christmas spirit in lingering on that? It’s not a British Soap Opera we’re talking about here. Besides, I’ve seen television characters get away with far more odious and selfish actions (how the hell did “Co-Dependents Day” ever get approved), and at least the Crystal Gems… sort of almost meant well?
You know what? They did. They’re still sympathetic characters, and everybody’s laughing at this misunderstanding.
“Three Gems and a Baby” is fine. Pretty good, in fact. It serves as a nice coda to the Ballad of Rose and Greg (which forms a full hour if you watch the four episodes back to back), reminds us of where the Crystal Gems started, and even delivers a bittersweet, yet still optimistic, message about looking towards the future. It’s certainly not my favorite Christmas feature (that would probably go to “Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire”, A Christmas Story, or “In Excelsis Deo”), but you could do a hell of a lot worse. Same with the pantheon of Steven Universe episodes – this is solidly midtable. If you’re showing somebody this episode as a one-off exposure to the franchise, you won’t have too much trouble.
Tidbits:
- It’s worth noting that “I Could Never Be Ready” was actually written when Rebecca Sugar got word that Cartoon Network had no plans to renew Steven Universe after Season 5. Hence the song, a reflection on the apparent suddenness of the show’s demise… and how the show was meant to have an endpoint. Given animation lead time and the fact that the show was apparently marked for death in 2016, it’s almost certain that the writers surgically threw this scene in during the middle of production. And hey, it works! Thankfully, the show got a movie and an epilogue to shore things up.
- I smirked thanks to Pearl’s dictionary – Webby’s Dictionary. Yeah, it’s meant to be a pun. But my mind went straight to the DuckTales reboot that launched months later – more specifically, its re-imagining of Webby Vanderquack as the McDuck historian-in-waiting. She’s a fairly intellectual character in her own right, and one of my favorites in that particular show. I don’t think it was meant as foreshadowing or a shout-out to the original series, this was just what I drew from that stupid pun.
- Quite a bit has been made from the various biblical parallels within this episode. I mean, we’re dealing with three figures bearing gifts to a half-human child, and spending quite a bit of time in a rather peculiar setting due to unfortunate circumstances. Later, the child is known for his wise and pacifistic ways as he grows up. Much has been written on that, so I’m not going to elaborate.
- What I found more fascinating is one particular, arguably subversive and (possibly) controversial, twist. According to scripture, Jesus was the product of an immaculate conception, where Mary carried the child without having laid with Joseph. In the last episode of Steven Universe, we learned that our hero was born out of wedlock, considered by certain sects to be less than ideal if not an act of sin. Given the socially liberal views of Steven Universe, I don’t think this was a complete accident.
- Note that the episode’s timing was based around Pearl putting some water on a stove-top kettle, and taking it off at boiling point at the very end of the episode. It’s honestly been a while since I’ve boiled water on a stove for tea – I use an electric kettle, which boils a liter of water in about four or five minutes – but it did feel like it took longer to bring water to a boil on the stove. If anybody has any anecdotes, that would be helpful.
Wrap-Up:
Favorite Scene: Our three wise Gems trying their best to try and get Rose back from her Adventures in Babyhood… only to miss the point of Steven’s existence.
Best Character: I can’t pick one. In the spirit of the season, I’m calling it a five-way tie.
Memorable Quote: “She wanted this so much; I just don’t understand why. ‘Everything should grow, and everything should change, and isn’t it so great how it comes so naturally to humans?’ Well, it’s not natural for us! It’s not natural… for me.” Oh, Pearl…
Verdict: Silver. Outside of the festive aura, this episode was more “fine” rather than brilliant. But hey, fine by SU standards is still pretty damn good! And this episode is good enough to land in the rankings at #57, right behind “Bubble Buddies” and ahead of “Beach City Drift”.
So, that’s our step into Christmas for the summer. I hope you all enjoyed… or at least, I thank you for humoring me. Good day, merry whatever you celebrate when you celebrate it, and I’m going to end proceedings today with a song that’s not really a Christmas song… but there is imagery related to the nativity. That work? I hope so. If not, maybe I’ll do something when Christmas rolls around later this year.
The Review Nebula 